Attachment based parenting

Secure attachment between children and at least one of their primary caregivers has been established as one of the best scientific predictors of long-term positive outcomes for children including those relating to mental health, self-esteem, relationships, self-reliance and independence. A secure attachment means that children know that their needs will be met by an attuned caregiver and that their caregiver will be emotionally available to ‘be with’ them when needed. Put simply, it has been shown that children who establish secure attachments with their caregivers go on to lead happier and more fulfilling lives. This is when at least one caregiver in their life has consistently shown up for them.

In their book, ‘The Power of Showing Up’, Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson offer 4 Pillars of attachment-based parenting referred to as the “4 S’s”:

Safe

Parents have an important job in keeping children safe by protecting them from harm and making them feel safe by ensuring that we do not cause harm and avoid becoming the source of fear or threat.

Seen

Truly seeing our children means attuning to and coming to understand their internal experiences and internal world in a meaningful way and responding in a timely and effective manner. It’s about trying to understand what’s underneath their behaviour and ensuring that they feel “felt”.

Soothed

Soothing is about nurturing, comforting, supporting our children. We show children how to cope with their distress or difficulties by attuning and being there for them. It’s so important that the children feel soothed before attempting to address their behaviour.

Secure

Secure attachment results from the first 3 S’s (safe, seen and soothed). We provide our children with a secure base by showing them that they are safe, that there is someone that sees and cares for them and that they will be soothed when they are in distress. By consistently practising these 3 S’s, children will learn to do these things to help themselves and others. This will facilitate secure attachments and strong connections.

It’s important to remember that it is never too late to foster a secure relationship with our children and there is no one right way. Parenting is hard and no one gets it right all the time. The good news is that if we can focus on repairing ruptures when they do happen it can lead to greater connection.

If you would like to find out more or to seek support with parenting, please contact us on 08 6381 0071.