The 5 C’s of parenting

Self-control

Don’t explode. Learn to manage your own feeling first before dealing with your child.

Blame teaches kids that the adult being right is more important than them being understood.

It also teaches them putting someone down after a mistake is acceptable and that something wrong is usually someone’s fault.

Children model, so, what am you teaching your child if you get angry if your child does not follow directions or things don’t go your way. Our children often model our behaviours, therefore, if I get angry, it’s not unreasonable that they will get angry.

So find ways for you to manage your reactions before engaging, which is often, easier said than done.

Compassion:

Meet where your child is at, not where you expect them to be.

If you believe your child should not be engaging in that behaviour, don’t be laying on guilt or blame, there is probably a good chance your child is laying it on themselves.

If they are still wetting the bed, they are wetting the bed. Yes it can be frustrating, but showing compassion and understanding may help to resolve the issue faster.

Collaboration:

Work together with your child to help them to find a solution. Your children are part of the solution, work together on helping them to achieve the goals.

This is probably where I spend most of the time with parents. I am always looking for a win/win solution. How can you help your child achieve what they want (within reason)?

So for example, your child wants to stay up later but you maybe thinking, but then you won’t get out of bed in the morning or they will be more grumpy/irritable. So allow them to go to bed a little later but if they don’t get up in the morning, then for every minute they don’t get up, they lose 5 minutes off their bedtime. Or, every time they get angry, they lose 15 minutes off their bedtime. They want money to go to the shops with their friends, ok, you need them to wash the car.

This is where I spend most of the time working with families. Your child is wanting something, what needs to happen for that to occur rather than saying a straight up NO!

Consistency:

Do what you say you will do, aim for staying steady.

As human beings, predictability and knowing what is going to happen helps reduce stress. Image hearing at work that they are downsizing and some positions will be lost, how would it be going to work?

We all need like to know what is going to happen. Being consistent helps with that.

If you say you are going to give them money after washing the car and don’t, they creates mistrust and suspicion.

If you also said that they will not get an ice cream until they clean their room and you give them an ice cream when they haven’t cleaned their room, then they learn that they do not have to do as you say because they are going to get what they want anyway, so why should they?

Say what you will do and do what you say.

Celebration:

Notice and acknowledge the work being done by offering words and actions of encouragement.

So often when we work hard to do something and we put in a lot of effort and it is not acknowledged, it can be very disheartening.

There is a well known example; you decide to do something special and do the laundry so your partner doesn’t have to do it, so you collect all the clothes, apart from one sock that fell on the floor, put the clothes in the washing machine, wash them, hang them out, bring them in, iron them and put them away. The first thing your partner says is, ‘why did you do the sock’. The first thing you are probably thinking is ‘Are you kidding me?’, then the next thing would be, ‘That’s the last time I’ll do you a favour’.

So if you notice your child’s room is cleaner, trying their best at school, more helpful around the house, let them know. Acknowledge their effort.

Providing celebratory feedback offers encouragement and improves self-worth.