Valentines day: Time for a check-up?

Valentines Day is just around the corner. Instead of taking the day to profess your undying love and eat too many chocolates with the one you love, I invite you to undertake a task of another kind, one that will help to strengthen your relationship far more than any box of chocolates or obligatory piece of jewellery.  This task is to undertake a check-up of your relationship. Just as you see you dentist for a regular check-up of your teeth once a year, our relationships also need a bit of attention and at least a once over.

I know that may sound incredibly boring and far less interesting than eating a fancy meal or receiving a gift on Valentines Day but when do you take the time to check your relationship is on course? If you schedule it on Valentines Day you are more likely to remember to do.

The idea behind the relationship check-up is to prevent future troubles, to identify any hot spots and put a plan in place to manage them before the ship runs aground.

Relationships take work and they need time investing in them. So this Valentines Day take some time to review your relationship and answer some of the questions posed below.

Are we friends?

Happy relationships are based on a deep friendship, mutual respect and enjoyment of one another’s company. Happy couples understand each other’s hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes and little quirks.

‘Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse.’  (John Gottman, 1999)

Some questions you might like to ask include:

• Do we have a good map of each other’s lives?
• Do we show fondness and appreciation to one another?
• Do we spend time connecting about our day?
• Do we make time for one another?

Do we fight fair?

One marker of the success of a relationship is the couple’s ability to attempt repair when there is conflict or a fracture in the relationship. These repair attempts can prevent quarrels from getting out of hand. It doesn’t matter how much you fight. What matters is whether or not the repair is successful.

• When we fight are we able to repair our relationship in such a way that feels satisfying for both of us, even if the area of conflict is not resolved?
• Do we have a good way to manage the typical problems that arise in a relationship (e.g. stress, money, in-laws, sex, housework, parenting) ?

Are we headed in the same direction?

A shared sense of purpose and meaning is essential to a good relationship. This is what takes a relationship from 2 people living together to something far more deep and meaningful. Consider these questions in regards to your relationship:

• Do we have a shared dream, or vision for our relationship? When was the last time we talked about this?
• Do we have shared rituals and traditions that we follow?
• Do our values align?

There are many more questions that you could ask and things that you could consider. For more questions and some ideas on what to do if there is a problem have a read of John Gottman’s book “The 7 principles that make marriage work.” It’s an easy read and packed full of idea’s to enhance your relationship. The Gottman Institute also produce apps that help you to further nurture your relationship.

Making time to check in on your relationship may just make the difference in your relationship. So go on, put some time aside this Valentines day to nurture your relationship and in doing so yourself and the one you love.