14 Mar Listening skills for parents
Listening can be highly effective. However, it’s not easy because parents have to actively “do nothing”. Listening can be very effective for helping children who are feeling nervous and/or worried (see blog “How to help your nervous or worried child by “simply” listening”).
However, if you notice your uncomfortable thoughts/feelings when trying to listen (e.g., “I feel like I’m doing nothing”, “I don’t want them to feel this way”), you will come to realise that the managing your own thoughts and feelings, while listening, is hard and that you are definitely “doing something”. You’re just doing something in a way that either wasn’t obvious to you before, or you may have previously viewed listening as a passive activity.
- Focus on your child (vs. multi-tasking). Be empathic, relaxed and confident. Depending on your current approach, your temperament and your child’s temperament, asking too many questions can actually be counterproductive. Be curious, but this doesn’t mean always asking questions – curiosity is the attitude.
- Listening is about acknowledging, rather than validating. Acknowledging means simply that, whereas validating involves “rightness”, which is irrelevant when we are listening. Acknowledging means simply focusing on their feelings/thoughts in that moment and, importantly, accepting the child as they are, IN THE MOMENT e.g., “it is ok that they are nervous” vs. “I wish they were not so nervous”.
- Listening is not about asking questions. Acknowledging thoughts and feelings, and an appropriate degree of rephrasing and summarising is really helpful. Questions like: “So what do you think about that?” and “How did that make you feel?” can sometimes be premature and cause children to feel like their being interrogated, or they may simply make up what they think you want to hear.
- Timing is important. Note that highly heated times e.g., the wind-up to a tantrum is not the best time and place to embark upon this listening process with your child.
- Be brave. Listening can be very effective at the times when you’re thinking “oh no, please don’t…” – this may be exactly the right time to begin listening.
When you are focusing on listening and acknowledging your child’s feelings, you will notice that you are not rushing in and trying to “fix the problem”. Notice that this means saying a lot less than you are used to and notice if this is uncomfortable for you!
Know that you can work towards being comfortable with it, you may find that your child will experience your calm, unhurried approach because they now have time to process an experience i.e., they get to feel their feelings, know what those feelings are and what they are about.
Listening is, of course, not the sole answer to helping a nervous and worried child. However, it is an extremely powerful tool and, for some children, may be just the thing.
If you’ve tried out these recommendations but you need further guidance, you might like to consider seeing one of the child psychologists at Prosper Health Collective for some extra support. These types of problems are best dealt with sooner rather than later before they become entrenched and more difficult to overcome.
